When you love a record too damn much, you will soon discover whether you "got what it takes” to make it yours. Such is the case with Turbo label head Tiga, who has played 11Schnull & Newinfluenzer’s 2023 underground hit “Ich und meine Ubahn” in each and every one of his DJ sets since its non-Turbo release. But unbridled track-passion is not always enough, and sometimes one must take a step back and recognize that the music business is also a business. So our in-house Corporate Development team, which has of late been entirely focused* on figuring out how best to monetize Tintin entering the public domain, set to work, successfully licensing the original while also creating the fun and potentially life-saving opportunity to visualize just how amicable the licensing process was.

All of which brings us to the remix pack at hand. The essentially perfect electro programming and vocal performance of the 2023 original leaves virtually no angle for improvement, save for the fact that the 4:20 runtime not enough for the median touring DJ to satisfy their chatbot mistress before they must begin the exacting work of selecting and mixing the next track. As such, we enlisted producers who could interpret the song from different planes of existence, namely Chilean-German wizard Matias Aguayo, French hardstyle prodigy Krarmpf, German aesthetes Extrawelt, Hamburg electro master DJ MELL G, and Asturian highbrow god Architectural. For reference, the planes conjured by these remixes are as follows: blacked out on Ivermectin; finally beat a pay-to-win mindfulness game; voted the Greatest Living Teen Artist by the readers of US Weekly; transformed into an expressionless little muscleman as if by magic; going viral; and curing jet lag in our lifetime. It is not for us to say which remix corresponds to which realm of human experience, but we do know that it is limited to those options.

Finally, please do not invite a chatbot lover into your marriage. Your spouse cannot hope to compete. And know that this advice comes from our best understanding of current world affairs, and does not represent what a repressed British man would calling “taking the pee.” At their very best, jokes are funny, and the fate of the human bedroom is no laughing matter at all.

*Like a laser!